I am so blessed and lucky that sometimes I really am so happy and amazed. No matter the difficulties, I’ve been so blessed.
In the blink of an eye
It’s been almost six months since I’ve started working and I feel immensely grateful and relieved that it’s been alright so far. There have been a fair share of ups and downs but I am learning to conquer all my insecurities and to project myself more confidently.
Sometimes I feel so afraid. Afraid to be rejected, afraid to be alone, afraid of what’s to come and afraid of failing. But I am definitely going to conquer all these fears and not let it rule myself or my life.
Monday blues
The Monday blues are particularly strong today and it’s only Sunday evening as I type this. Happened to read somewhere that in order to combat the worries and insecurities, I should list them down and list down what I feel grateful for.
Insecurities:
- My weight. I always feel like a fat pig compared to all the other girls and I really envy how people can wear sleeveless tops and bodycon dresses.
- My job. I am afraid of making a careless mistake that will cause some kind of monetary loss (TOUCH WOOD). I feel like I am being judged and others feel that I am too incompetent.
- Getting married. Am I never going to get married? Will I find someone to marry? Where am I going to find someone as decent as my dad/brother to marry?
- Wasting away my youth. I am not cool and not talented and basically can’t be the life of a party.
What to be thankful for:
- I can always work on my weight and make sure I will lead a healthy lifestyle. It’s not just about looks. I can wear what I like and I experiment with styles that suit me. I shouldn’t care too much or judge myself too much. Being healthy and being to walk/run/breathe/enjoy food is awesome.
- It’s a learning experience that will help me learn to be more comfortable with speaking and working in teams. With more practice and effort, it will get better.
- I can learn to be independent and work on myself now.
- I have a home and food to eat. Life’s actually pretty great already.
This list does make me feel a little cheerier now. I am going to keep my head held high.
Chin up girl
Lately I’ve been feeling pretty down and frustrated at work. Sometimes when I feel that I’ve managed to get a handle on things, the rug’s pulled out from right under my feet.
Problems and mistakes happen so often but I guess it’s the solution that counts.
I resolve to leave my negative feelings outside my home, basically they will only be contained in the office.
A smooth sea never did make a skilled sailor or something like that is how the saying goes right?
Sunday…
Today I managed to catch ‘Those Who Can’t, Teach’ by The Necessary Stage and I am especially glad that I made the decision to buy the tickets. I first saw the banners en route to work each day and that piqued my interest a little bit. Teaching is a subject that will always be close to my heart because of the wonderful teachers I’ve met and the experiences that I’ve had with the kids (albeit my experience is a little more rosy because kids above the age of 16 are easier to deal with).
One character that stood out for me in particular was Teck Liang, the typical bad boy ah beng who had been forsaken by his parents and friends but not his teacher Mrs Phua Su Lynn. In particular, I found the scene where Teck Liang vists Mrs Phua at the old age home very touching because one could feel the love and respect he had for her not giving up on him when he was being difficult.
The cast also did a superb job of imitating the mannerisms of the secondary school children nowadays and it was so hilarious. Many young secondary school kids probably felt that the portrayal was spot on judging from the laughter and the applause.
In sum, the play was simple but resonated deeply in conveying the pains of teachers and it perfectly captured the idyllic and innocent vibes of the halcyon days in secondary school. The notion of teachers having an easy task is flawed because their job demands love, patience and sacrifice for people who might not even remember them one day but they still put it all on the line anyway. No one has it easy at any job these days anyway so let’s just all show each other some kindness and respect.
Almost but not quite
It’s been three months since starting work and I’ve just been told by the boss that I am going to get confirmed. That feels like quite a relief although I wonder why I even stressed out over it in the first place. The stress has made my skin break out like crazy and it’s insanely bad right now. Looking at my face makes me feel even more saddened plus the pimples really hurt. I feel even worse because it seems like all the girls around me have really good skin and that’s half the battle won.
Mistakes are getting lesser but sometimes I feel like somewhat ineffective and a noob at handling some of the timelines and projects. I really hate getting squeezed in the middle sometimes. Feels a little pointless and annoying on some days but it could always be so much worse so I am trying to reorient my mindset and attitude towards this. I hope I will be better at anticipating needs, asking the right questions and coming up with effective solutions in the next 3 months.
So just a note to my future self for the down days in future:
- Keep cool and calm in stressful situations
- Be confident, speak louder and always do your best to solve the problems
- Dress up and play with more styles
- Be less judgmental and stop whining/stressing overtly over things that cannot be controlled
- Positive mindset and personality will make everyone look more attractive
- Don’t compare yourself and be grateful for everything you have
- Exercise daily
- This is your year to make your dreams come true and you will achieve them.
- Mistakes will be made, learn from them and move on
- Love yourself and stop caring what other people think of you
- You are beautiful in your own way and have your talent and merits
- Keep learning and growing every day
- Pray and give thanks
- I believe in you and you have all the talent and can suffer any amount of hardship to achieve your goals and be successful in life
- Relax and just breathe
Only human
As humans, it feels very frustrating at times but also very weirdly calm?
One step forward, two steps back
As you grow older, maintaining relationships get so much tougher. Friendships just seem to drift apart due to lack of time and effort. Somehow people just stop trying, move on and get new friends. It sometimes sucks to always be the one reaching out. Romantic relationships are even trickier to manage once outside of school.
Are the best days of our lives only in secondary school? Is that the only window we have to find friends and build relationships that last a lifetime?
One of the worst parts of being an adult would be growing apart from those who you once held dear. While I am glad that you could be there, why couldn’t you work together with me to keep it going?
The working world is an essentially cold and cruel place. On good days, it feels somewhat like working on a group project in university. Most days, it’s grey, bleak and dreary. The only colour comes from those we met before we graduated from university?
Sometimes I can’t really quite express how annoyed I feel at work and it’s not due entirely to the nature of the job.
Seeing those reunion photos on Instagram and Facebook make me start pondering what I did so wrong sometimes.
Does life get in the way or do we give up on finding a way?
Adulting
Just thought I’d chronicle some thoughts I had so far about working and life after university for my future self to refer to. It’s been almost 2 months now.
Work so far has been somewhat… trying? It isn’t that the tasks given are challenging but it’s the managing of time and dealing with people that’s the tougher aspect. I thought it’d get better as I went along but somehow it’s has not quite been as smooth as I had hoped. Definitely going to come up with a new game plan for this, to ensure that things will go better. In terms of the social aspect, I am obviously still … I don’t even know what to say or how to express this in words but everyone’s pretty good as colleagues so far. Thank You God for the help and protection along the way.
Yet another challenge is trying to keep positive, cool, calm, alert, quick and meticulous on the job. I feel like I haven’t reached that stage yet. The cool gets lost about half way into the day. To be quick is one thing but to be both quick AND error free is not my strongest suit (as evidenced by mistakes made). As always, I will have to continue working on that and on the bright side I guess I am getting a bit better.
Lastly, in the working world, you have to cover your own back and that’s one thing I need to grasp sooner rather than later. It feels so frustrating at times but at the end of day, you are the only one who can control your perspective. I’ve been trying to be more upbeat and negate the angst. Lately each day feels like I am hanging by this thread and the confirmation date is nearing which makes me feel even more nervous as I am threading on very thin ice at the moment.
To borrow the words of the British, “Keep calm and carry on!” and of course I pray really really really hard too.
Musings
NTS: Always remember that people struggle with their own problems, so let’s not be too quick to pass judgement.
serependitiousthoughts 